summer '10

nothing and everything's been going on...

the world was spinning faster and faster,
it was passing by in a blur.
she just sat there, staring in wonder
at how many people would pass by,
heads down, muttering to themselves.
she always tried to smile at them,
receiving bemused expressions and hesitant half-smiles back.
seconds, minutes, hours, days...
life just seemed to speed on by.

:)

Dear You,

I will admit that it came as a surprise to me when you decided to write a letter such as this. I always thought you were the type to keep things to yourself—one of the many things that keep us apart until now.

There is a part of every boy’s heart that dreams of his princess. However, no matter what the age, this princess does not change.

Nineteen years into this life, and although your unwillingness to give your heart away is what troubles you, what troubles me is how willing I am each and every time to give my complete heart and yet there is no one to receive anything of me.

Try as I might to give my heart to someone I had imagined was perfect, and I end up putting the pieces back together, mustering the courage to make it seems like nothing is wrong and nothing has been lost, when in fact, everything in my life at that point feels otherwise.

Although I have only known you for a few years, I am as confident as a man in love can be, that you are the perfect girl I have been thinking of ever since. Nineteen years into this life, and we are both still apparently waiting… for someone to be swept off her feet, and for someone to sweep you off yours. And yet, here we are closer to each other than you would expect.

I am sorry I took this long. But, I hope you know, it has not been entirely easy, trying to whisk you off to my palace on horseback. I am not alone in this pursuit of your love and I have no palace to show you in comparison to the many other men who will try to win your heart. You have not been entirely cooperative as well, but I do not blame you for this. In fact, it’s just one of the many quirks that sets you apart from other girls out there.

You will be disappointed to know that it has not been such a fairytale - meeting me, and for this I will be eternally sorry. I hope you know guys spend more than enough time trying to come up with the perfect introduction, what with sweaty palms and a shaky voice. As to the extreme disappointment I may cause you, I also hope you know that you are still as perfect in my eyes as always. I may not have begun it as a fairytale for us, but I will go through leaps and bounds to make you feel like the princess that you are.

Your eccentricities are what I love about you. Even during your occasional mood swings, it is the most endearing thing to see you shift gears. Although I must admit, sometimes it can be quite confusing; keeping me on my toes, it just makes me want to be with you even more. I want to be the man you stand beside at your best and your worst—because either way, you are still too beautiful, and I would be nothing less than the luckiest guy in town if you were just as happy as I was, standing beside you.

You are and will always be my best friend, even if one day I end up finding no more shirts because you have borrowed them all. And when you return them I end up not wearing them, still, because the scent is there to remind me of you even when you are not around. You are my best friend because you look out for me, after a stressful day, or after we lose a game of basketball. Even during times when you refuse to speak to anyone, me included—you are still my best friend.

You will be the girl I try so hard to cook for, and despite my best efforts I know I will fail, but I will love how you will try to taste my concoctions, even when the taste might make you cringe. You will be the girl whose mom I will try so hard to impress, and then you will fix my collar in hopes that I am ready to meet your parents. Adventure after adventure, you will be the girl I will see the world with, complete with the local cuisine taste and souvenir shots.

You are the girl I will smile to even in the worst of times. Even when the day feels like s__t, I know that when I see you that my world cannot be so bad if you are beside me. You are the girl whose smile I will wake up to, even when some mornings might find me with a slight case of morning breath. I cannot wait to love you.

Fingers crossed and palms held together, I hope one day you will find me worthy of your heart. In the meantime, know that I am out here somewhere, waiting for you, hoping that you will be mine.

Loving you forever and a day,

Me

okaaaaaaaay

so, i haven't written in a LONG time and i should really do this as a journal of sorts..

so it's summer right now and i'm working my butt off to lose weight...
and i'm eating healthier than normal :)


mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..


She laughed. The heat was intoxicating... warm... beautiful even, after spending days upon days on end in the cold winter heat. It warmed her to the core, heightened her senses, and made her ecstatic. She closed her eyes, and bathed in the peace, the calm of the day.

who am i?

it just makes me think. i can't describe who i am in words, because i'm a torrent of unpredictable emotions and i always change my mind... but what are my goals, aspirations, hopes, dreams? what are my loves and hates? who am i?

fire

raged through her throat, as she felt that she couldn't breathe. unknown things attacked her body, leaving only a shell of what Synthia Smith was before. coughing, sputtering, and feeling like everything was going to end, she began to pray.

the sights

the sights amazed her. she didn't know that going back was going to be this life changing, this epic. green and blue were all she really saw. occasional houses, now and again, but the foliage and the history rang clear and true. the warmth enveloped her with something she hadn't felt for a long time: happiness. true bliss spread through her body and radiated into her soul, washing away her fears and pains, the negative energies, and the bad thoughts in her mind. she was home.


diary entry:
i had the chance to be innocent once again, to be myself. to go without the sarcastic remarks and to open my eyes to the things surrounding me. i got to see people as they truly were, and i didn't like what i saw for the most part. now i yearn, ache, and cry to go back home.

f'shooooooooo

a squeal in the audience snapped her back into attention. "move! get out there!" hissed the people behind her, "you're holding everyone back!"

nervously, she walked down the aisle, hoping that during her performance she wouldn't mess up. watching the director intently, she focused and went into her own world.

claps and cheers burst from the audience. they liked it! she smiled and looked at the person beside her, grinning from ear to ear.

today

she wanted to scream, and scream she did. no one heard her, right? she was no one and no one cared. her family was gone, wasted away. her friends, they left years ago. her boy, what boy? there was nothing wrong, but all of the pent up anger and sadness was finally catching up. it was here, it was waiting. albeit patiently, but it was still there. and something snapped.

the floodgates opened, and hell hath no fury than a woman scorned.

good life

denial. anger. bargaining. acception.
there's no reason for me to look at this, but it kind of pertains to my life right now.
denial: i'm in a rut, i know it. but i can't accept it. there's this nagging feeling in the back of my head that there's something wrong with me, but i can't ever come out with it.
anger: i'm angry at the wrong things, and at the wrong people. mostly the people that are the closest to me. what i used to pride myself in: my patience and kind disposition, it's gone. yes, i'm still me, but who am i?
bargaining: i'll trade this for that. i'll take yours if you take what i have. usually i deal things and i cheat people. but why am i doing this? am i who i wanted to become?
acception: i am not who i wanted to become. maybe certain aspects, but i didn't know life to be like this.


i didn't know that one day certain songs are going to make me cry. that some people are going to leave a gaping hole in my chest, left to fester. i didn't know that one day that certain topics were going to make me cry. that certain faces were going to leave me bawling. i didn't know that one day people were going to walk out of my life because they turned out wrong. i didn't know people were going to walk out at all. i didn't know that one day i'm going to be left alone to think about who i was, because back then i knew who i was, and what i wanted to do.

now i'm lost, and confused. i can say that. the outside shows that i'm happy, and that i'm carefree, but on the inside i know that there's something wrong. i know that i can say that i can keep it hidden, that there's nothing wrong with me. but is there really? i seem like a drama queen, i know. the world revolves around me. but really, i don't think that.

i don't think anyone really knows who i am, even me. i'm striving to find myself, though. and i think i'm finding myself. both on the inside and out.

time

Flutterby, butterflies.

But before you fly away,

can you tell me the date today?

Time flies by so fast,

but trickles by ever so slowly.

Butterflies, flutterby.

I remember your flight,

but not when you flew away.

night

the night instilled a silence in her that she loved. she was always loud during the day, putting on an amazing facade that no one could break through. but at night, always at night, she could put away her mask, and just be her.
to dance around, to cry, so bellow to her heart's desire.


the mask was always gone, her soundproof walls were the only ones who heard her, and she never had to worry about gossip or judgements.
she used the time to renew herself, to pull strength from herself.

her time was used to think, to cry, to laugh.

but mostly, it was used to read the stories,
the little stories about hope, love, and true bliss.

stories that she hoped one day, just one day,
would happen to her.

so

"So i says to 'im, imma gonna make you a deal-a. If you pays back the money yous owes me, Ricky 'ere won't 'urt you that hard."

Running

Sweat dripped on her shoulders, and her breathing became short and ragged. She was running for her life, adrenaline pumped through her veins as her body used up the energy she had left. She started slowing, she new it. But the monster was right behind her, panting and scratching his way through the forest. Tears started seeping out of her eyes as she thought she was coming to the end, but instinct told her to keep running. So she ran, faster than she ever had before. The wind that slapped her face made her hair fan out behind her, spreading her scent everywhere for the monster. Her muscles screamed in protest, and started cramping. Her sides ached, everything ached. She tripped, and screamed. Her hand had a deep gash in it, and blood already oozed out of the cut. She looked frantically about her and spotted a tree, which she rapidly started climbing.
And she saw it: the smoke-colored fur that covered its body had tangles and spotted with the blood of its other victims. It raised its dog-like nose in the air and started sniffing, his eyes full of bloodlust as it flickered left and right. It spotted her quickly, and fear radiated off her body like a lightbulb. As it started snickering and climbing up the tree, she screamed.

copy

Uncontrolled rage washed through her body as she screamed at no one and everyone. She was alone in her house, who could hear her? She screeched profanities at pictures, and told everyone what she really thought about them. She was tired, after day after day of facades. Linda especially. She was tired of how Linda kept on pushing her over, making assumptions, and thinking that she knew everything. She was tired of being especially nice to her.
And to Gloria. Her picture frame shattered as it hit the cement floor, and received extra abuse. Why did she keep on trying to be someone she wasn't?! Why was she copying her? Why?!

XXX

The next day came, and she pasted a smile on her face as she walked out the front door. "Good morning Gloria, Linda. Wonderful morning isn't it?"

wishes

the harsh, cold winter wind
made her nose red and her lips blue.
it made her shiver violently,
and made her teeth chatter.

the day before the sun was blistering hot,
the weather was dry, cracking her lips.
the orange leaves crackled on the ground,
a strange autumn.

she had wished for winter to come,
for the weather to change,
for she longed to see snow again.
she yearned for the cold.

but now, as she all-but-froze in the snow,
she reminisced of the strange autumn,
how the sun burned hotter than summer,
and how it warmed you to the bones.

POV

her face hurt.
it was being slapped, again and again.
no dinner for her.
it was her birthday.

and yet,
she felt pity for the woman slapping her.
her foster mother.
it was the way the woman was raised, and so she thought it was the only way.

she had a quiet party that night,
with her stuffed bear and mud pies.
she pretended her parents were there with her,
showering her with hugs and kisses.

she came from an abusive 'family' and yet,
when she was out with others,
she was truly happy.
she had a life to live, she wasn't impoverished, and she had friends.

she knew that one day,
some day,
she was going to have a life,
and maybe, love.

rants

She screamed at the top of her lungs, frustrated at the world, frustrated in her situation, and frustrated in herself. Why did she have to be in this family? One that screams and fights so often. Why did she have to be in this crisis, where everyone can turn around and stab you in the back.

She shed the tears that she had been holding back for so long, bearing the turmoil that was in her heart. She was alone, no one could see her now. She punched and kicked and dug her nails into her palms until blood gushed out. Her life's blood, dripping down her arms like streams. She threw whatever she could get ahold of, and beat whatever she could.

Pain meant nothing. She had withstood her fair share, and more. She collapsed onto the floor, and shuddered as sobs wracked her body.

Flutter

Butterfly wings fluttered past her, leaving a trail of rainbows for her to follow. Jumping, laughing, skipping toward the source, she was lead to a somehow familiar meadow, never have been there before. Light danced through trees, and assorted flowers with beautiful aromas were waving in the breeze. The grass had a strange tints to it: green with hues of orange, red, and yellow. She moved her foot, and out sprang millions of butterflies, with diamonds on their wings and strangely smelled of roses. She wandered, and found a bubbling stream with fish the size any fisherman would love to catch. They jumped and played with her, splashing water on her face and flipping in the air. She collapsed, and bathed in the warmth or the sun.

Found

Somehow, the colors were more alive, more vibrant. Seeing the world in black and white made her miss the array of colors she was seeing. Hints of marigold, hues of blue, and all of the colors of the spectrum danced in front of her eyes, somehow teasing her. The colors made her notice how much she really missed, how many months she had been dead. The black and white world she knew was still there, she could see shades of the old world, taunting her. But, she learned to live with them, intertwining with the others. She embraced her new world, and she walked into the abyss.

seriously,

if there are people up in the afterlife, what do they do?
can they watch people?

for if they do, do they see people everyday with their sins?
goodness.